Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn
by DarKnight1Fan
Summary: All of these books will be in this new version of Twilight. I am sure you will love it. Just give it a try : Reviews are amazing!
1. Chapter 1

I was alone. Again. Why did I even bother traveling like this, I always new I would end up alone from the start. The sticky blood oozed down my face out of the gash on my forehead. Life was shitty, but when was it ever alright?

My name was Titara, but most people I knew called me Tit.

I was somewhere in the woods, probably in the middle of them. I was looking for something, yet I didn't know what that was. There was a pull coming from the trees in the distance, calling me to travel deeper.

Then I saw him. He was so butt ugly and sparkled. He looked at me like he needed to take a shit and then ran over to me.

"MMM. You smell like strawberries and cream, just like mamma used to make," he said in a Swedish accent.

He was so ugly, I couldn't look away. And then I wanted to touch him for some reason. I grabbed his dick. He had a needle dick because I couldn't find it at first; it was stuck between his little teeny balls. "Hello. My name is Titara, but you can call me Tit."

"hi Tit. Im Edwardo Culven. But it sounds like Edward Cullen. I enjoy sucking balls and staring at your boobs. Would you please loosen your grip on my needle dick."

I let his penis go.

"I said loosen your grip, not let go. I havnt been this hard in ages. And I mean that literally. Ages. Cuz im like one hundred years old."

"eww PEDOPHILE"

"NO IM ACTUALLY SEVENTEEN"

"ooo. That doesn't make sense, then why did you just tell me you were one hundred years old. don't you fuck with my mind. Oh my gawd, I think I love you"

"as I love you. Ive waited so long for this moment."

Chapter 2:

I needed to say this, it was so close to my heart, I couldn't bear to put it off any longer: "Edwardo, I want cho babies."

"well okay. I have an erection the size of a needle right now so lets go."

And so we did it. I'm not even sure he stuck his cock into my vagina cause I didn't feel a thing. I was more turned on when I watched Oprah talk about rapists.

He looked at me dead in the eyes "I didn't feel that. Im sorry. I cant hurt you like that again. I must leave you Tit."

"NO YOU CANT LEAVE ME! You promised me forever."

"Bitch, when did I ever say forever?'

"when you let me sexually assault you. Oh God, I think im pregnant."

"oh foo, im a vampire, that can not happen. I think you're just retarded."

"my mom always said I was special. I never knew what that meant. I love you even more Edwardo."

"you must meet my family. Come hither. We live in this old tree down yonder."

"ooo yes, Ive always wanted to meet a family of elves."

"bitch we aint elves, we be vampires."

"this will be so magical. Lets go."

"okey dokey artichokey. Lets begin our hike. Hop up on my ass and I will carry you half way."

And so I stood on his fat ass and away we went. He was so fucking slow I though I could walk faster than his run. It was like I actually THOUGHT he was impressing me.

"you sure this isn't too fast?"

"uhm, no, can I walk the rest of the way. Ur ass is uncomfortable."

"ooo. Well. that's unfortunate."

We continued walking for five kilometers and then turned southeast at the redwood tree that talked.

"we're here." announced Edwardo, secretly picking a wedgie. I think he was wearing my thong. I knew it felt more breezy in my summer dress.

"the hidden door in the gnarled tree smelled like ass and was already open a fraction of a millimeter."

"ladies first." he smirked. I noticed his teeth were green.

I walked through the front door and was greeted by a bunch of ugly ppl that smelled like used tampons. Each one of them had blood on their faces.

"Hi, I am Tit."

"We know." they all said in unison, "Edwardo has a special ability to send his thoughts to other ppl. Last night he was watching gay porn and we were all turned on."

"shhhh, not in front of my baby momma."

"oo scandalous." said the bitchy looking one. How you can look bitchy, I do not know, but that is what she was. "so someone finally did it with Edwardo… we thought he was going to turn out gay. Well im glad you finally came along Tit."

"im so happy to finally greet you Tit," said this guy who looked like an albino rat. This must've been the dad. He was the oldest one and had a beer belly. "im dr culven."

Chapter 3:

After I had the displeasure of meeting every single one of them, we went up to Edwardo's room.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

The moment was thicker than a thick fart.

"sooo. Watdya think of them?"

"They were all super nice, particularly the blonde one who humped my leg repeatedly."

"ohh. that's Casper, he has the special ability to make your kind of people horny. Just out of dumb ass curiosity, did ya feel anything?"

"hell, I felt more by looking at him than I did staring at your baby carrot dick. I must get his phone number."

"Tit, he is retarded. You must never be alone with him. He could bust a testicle. You must always be aware of him."

"oh whatever. Wow, you have a pansy ass room. Is it really pink?"

"pink is my favorite color. Tough guys like pink."

"do fucking not. I cant even look at you. This isn't real. This must be a dream." at that point, I felt like I was dreaming. This couldn't be real. All of my time spent with Edwardo, and now this. It was so unreal, like a cheaply made gay porno. It was there, but it didn't seem real, all of that gayness. But some part of me knew this was true. Edwardo's room WAS pink.

"you mustn't think like that. I like pink. And I am somewhat manly."

"you look like a faggish transexual whose dick is the size of an acorn. The only reason why I came with you is because I've never been so fascinated with the size of someones dick before. Good bye my love."

"no, don't go, I can change."

"its over, im not sorry. Get a sex change. Then mayb you might get lucky."

"please. No. my dick may be small, but it is mighty. I would gladly let a duck eat it for you"

"no, please don't try to change my mind. My mind is unchangeable." and with that I jumped out of the window of his tree. I didn't realize that it had an ocean view until I hit the water. The water tossed me around like a tampon being disposed down a toilet. My retardeness made me loose the sight of the surface. Well I was dying. Finally. I was pulled by something warm that wrapped around me. Like an arm, but much more warmer. Then I realized that my bladder let go involuntarily and that I was basically dead. I had the best day of my life. Now me and my baby were going to die. And then I died. The end.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 3: I was reincarnated as a Japanese baby named Outen. My father was a sword smith and my mother was a prostitute. I grew up in Quebec, Canada. We didn't make a very good living, and out meals solely consisted of toucan testicles, but we got by. When I turned sixteen I joined a screamo band as the lead vocalist. I was kicked out when I got sick after giving a hobo a blowjob and lost my voice for a month. I joined a new band when I got my voice back and now I had a clearly more distinct talent than I had before. There must have been some magic in that hobo's sperm that made my vocal cords play like the harps of angels.

Today was my seventeenth birthday and now I had to complete my Canadian walkabout. This meant that I had to get myself to a wafflehouse and join their staff. If I failed to complete this, I would suffer a painful death, which my father would inflict upon me. I stepped inside the wafflehouse and slipped on a piece of kibasi. This could only mean one thing: vampire. I had never met one before, but I had a strange feeling I had. But I have never encountered a vampire. The public was taught to fear vampires and practiced the killing of them on a mass scale.

I looked to my left, and then to my right. I saw an old fat man barfing waffle chucks back out onto his plate, an obvious case of food poisoning. A girl my age began to approach me. She didn't look like any vampire I knew, because I don't know any vampires, but I'm sure that's not what one would look like. She had this gay ass smile on her face and looked like she knew me.

"Well howdy, Mom," she said in a retarded southern accent.

I stared at her with my mouth open; I swear a fly flew down my throat. "your, but, what, no, cant, fuck, no," how could this be, I couldn't have a child. Things weren't like that.

She gave me a cautious smile. "Of course u don't remember be, the last time u were aware of me, you were drowning because you jumped out a window. How silly of me. Well let me tell you about you. As you were dying, I slid out of your vagina, and lived. I could hear your thoughts the last seconds of your life and I heard you thinking my name. I am Refuckingtardedesme, the name you gave to me. But people just call me Fucktard."

And then I remembered dying, jumping out of a window, the cold water, the not breathing, the pissing all over myself, but that's all I could remember, I couldn't think why I jumped out the window in the first place. "Oh, Fucktard, how I have missed you, even if I had forgotten everything about you, I am so glad you survived. But where is your father?"

"My father has stayed hidden all these years a secret to everyone he knows, for he is a pansy ass vampire that sparkles. That makes me half human, half vampire. I am neither living, nor dead. I am half accepted by society, but I have never told anyone my secret, except my ex-boyfriend, whom I killed. So now that you know, you must leave this Canadian life behind and come with me in search of my father, Edwardo Culven."

The name set my vagina off with tickles and squeezes. Still, I could not remember the notorious Edwardo, my baby daddy. I had to find him, my life depended on it. " I will go with you, but what of my walkabout?"

"Fuck your walkabout, bitch. Nobody gives a chocolate covered moose-fuck if you get a job at wafflehouse, this place is a shithole."

"My dad will cut off my head."

"Your dad is a douchebag and would be married to another guy right now if it wasn't for the fact that your mom got knocked up. Now of we may get on our way, New York is waiting for us."

"NEW YORK!" I was excited like an excited hamster that was excited about running on a wheel. I had always wanted to go to New York."

"Well I would like to get there before Passover, so if you would, grab my tit, and away we will go."

I did as I was told and I felt like I was going through a washing machine, everything was topsy-turvey and I think I puked on Fucktard.

And then everything stopped. And then I was standing in Times Square. And then the search began.

"would you please remove your hand from my breast?" Fucktard hinted with a little bit of aggrivation in her voice.

"ah, yes, im sorry, if you didn't know, im a lesbian, and boobs make me horny. And I know this is wrong since you're my daughter, but you really turn me one. Could this work out?"

"hmmm, well I guess we could give it a go… no. you must be with Edwardo, you two were made for each other and you must turn straight or else there will be no chance for love."

"so that is….?"

"a no for now, but promise me you will try to love Edwardo."

"I don't promise, come on, let's hurry up and find him." We searched the streets high and lo, but alas, my baby daddy was nowhere to be found.

i saw a guy dressed in drag sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog and singing along to a well known katy perry song. i had the urge to make love to this unknown sparkly gay guy. then he looked at me, and i looked at him. He kept right on looking at me, and i was still looking at him. Then I walked towards him and his sparkly skin. He stood from the bench and made his way to me.

Then I was straight.

Then he was straight.

And the gayness was gone. We both wanted each other like a girl that just got her period while driving wants to stop and get a tampon. I just really wanted him up my vagina.

His blonde hair from the wig he was wearing waved in the wind, it was the gayest thing I had ever seen, a \side from the dress he was wearing, and I had never been more turned on in my life.

I stripped off my flannel shirt to reveal the wife beater I was wearing. "Edwardo," I whispered."

"Tit," he answered."

And then I remembered everything. The meeting in the woods, the baby-making, his family, and finally my demise. But now I was a changed person, I was capable of love.

"Edwardo, what happened," I gestured to his face caked with makeup.

"im sorry you had to see me like this Tit, but after you died, I vowed I would never love another woman until I met you again. Thus I was forced into gay prostitution. Plus, as a bonus, everyone thinks that because Im gay, I wear glitter, and so my skin sparkling is hidden. But now that you are back, oh my love, I couldn't be straighter."

"But as memory serves, Edwardo, you have a teeny chode, prostitution must have been hard to do. Oh, and by the way, I am no longer Tit, my name is Outen." I replied.

"you will always be Tit to me, Tit. Nothing will every change that. And I see you brought our daugter along to watch our love. Come everyone, we shall get a hotel room, but I can't afford more than one so we will all sleep in the same room. Fucktard, you shall watch as me and your mother fuck like wild coyotes."

"A splendid idea," Fucktard giggled."

"Yes," I agreed.

And so we continued to rent a room from the holiday inn. We didn't have enough money so we shared the room with yet another person, a stranger named elmo.

When we got to the room, me, Edwardo, and Elmo had a threesome while Fucktard watched. It was the most amazing night of my life: until I got up to piss.

I was walking toward the bathroom and then I had a toe spasm. I screamed and fell to the floor. I lay there for a good twenty minutes before anyone realized that I was seriously injured.

Good thing Elmo was a doctor, so we didn't have to go to a busy hospital to get examined.

They laid me out on the bed. Everyone was splendidly still naked, including myself.

"Where is the pain?" questioned doctor Elmo.

"In my toe," I answered.

"oh well, its in your toe, so it can't be that fatal, so let's stay here instead of going to the hospital."

"good idea," everyone chimed in.

After about 6.5 hours, I had the pain again, except much more painful. This time doctor Elmo performed tests on my toe just in case.

"OH MY GOD" he exclaimed.

"what," Edwardo inquired.

"hmm," Fucktard questioned.

"What the fuck is going on down there," I quizzed.

"I'm afraid, my dead, you have toe cancer, and death is imminent. I estimate you have five minutes to live. If I were you I would say your goodbyes."

"But why, why me God? Well, Edwardo, I'm glad that I had cho babies and all I want to say isACK!" and then I died a horrible, painful death, the end.


End file.
